I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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