it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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