I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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