Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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