it wasn't lemon gatorade
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Randomize
