I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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