She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I am puke
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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