remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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