I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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