meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
