He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
