My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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