So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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