one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
