The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
