So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
you will always have a special place in my vag
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
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