so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
