Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
