i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
