im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
i will never coherently bang her
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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