In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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