I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
