Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
