I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
