she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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