For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
