We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
