This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
You can't just leave with hair like that
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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