Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
how drunk are you?
Several
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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