I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
