I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize