I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
