hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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