I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
