Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
