Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
