Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
