there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
