Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
