just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
