i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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