Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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