im six kinds of drunk right now
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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