So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
