Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
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