The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
