nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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