She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize