My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
