sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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