We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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