Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
God I need to hump something, right now.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
