My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
