I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
