rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
