haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
