I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
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