You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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