I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize