dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
