: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
