Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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