I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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