she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
