I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Randomize
