OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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